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John and Mark, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day John didn’t show up. Mark didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
After John hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Mark really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Mark didn’t know where John lived, so was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Mark figured he had seen the last of John, but one day, Mark approached the park; lo and behold! - there sat John!
Mark was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. ‘For crying out loud, John, what in the world happened to you?’
‘I’ve been in jail.’
‘Jail? What in the world for?’
‘Well, you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?’
‘Yeah, I remember her. What about her?’
‘Well, she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled ‘guilty and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’

ONE OUT OF EVERY THREE PERSONS IS SUFFERING FROM SOME FORM OF MENTAL ILLNESS.
THINK OF TWO OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS.
IF THEY ARE OKAY, THEN IT MUST BE YOU.

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Instructions for using this Website

Not intended for use during operation of nuclear facilities, aircraft, submarine vessels, nuclear weapons, sharp pointed objects, or any other hazardous activity in which failure could lead to death, injury, property damage, environmental damage or lawsuit. Do not make exaggerated body movements after use; Lie completely still and don't blink - One move and entire digestive system could self-destruct. All natural; No preservatives; 98% Fatuity-free. Product meant for educational purposes only. Drop in any mailbox. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely intentional and derogatory. Void where prohibited (but encouraged anyway). Some assembly required. Now contains 05% less insect & rodent parts. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Apply only to affected area. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. If condition persists, consult a physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton; Do not eat carton. Subject to change without notice. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. May not be identical to advertising illustration. Colors may fade. Slippery when wet. Your mileage may vary. For office use only. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without correct postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Close cover when striking. Practice safe sex ... practice, practice, - until you get it right.

Make Sure What's In Your Pants Is Green

A number of environmental organizations are encouraging people to save the planet without losing touch with their sex lives. Suggestions to protect the future include:
>> switch from dimming electric lights to burning soy candles [They make candles of SOY? What, you grind up the leftovers from those revolting soyburgers and light it?]
>> using solar-powered sex toys [Dunno 'bout you, but most of OUR sex takes place after dark]
>> encouraging the ban of toxic chemicals in sex aids [Um ... can't object to that - we are REALLY curious just WHAT "toxic chemicals" are currently used in sex aids, though]
>> buying products with the least packaging and more organic ingredients, including all-natural lubricants [Rock oil? This could rejuvenate the Pennsylvania Oil Industry], vegan condoms [Dunno 'bout you, but WE hardly ever eat the used condoms], bamboo sheets [ARGH!] and ecolingerie made from hemp but designed to be sexy [That's burlap, right? Double ARGH!]

Fundraising abuses? "I don’t know. I don’t remember. My mind is Jell-O."
Pardons? "Oh, I had nothing to do with the pardons!"
Rose Law Firm billing records? "I don’t have any idea! I don’t know anything, and when they showed up in the Map Room I was more surprised than anybody else."
Cattle futures? "No, I thought everybody could turn a thousand dollars into a hundred thousand dollars."
FBI files in the White House? "No, I have no clue how that happened, but if we work together, we can solve the issue."
Travel office firings? "I don’t know anything about that."
Real estate scams on property they worked? "No, I don’t know anything about that."
Planted questions? "No, I didn’t know anything about that."
Monica Lewinsky? "No, I didn’t know anything about that. That was the vast right-wing conspiracy. I didn’t know anything about that."
She doesn’t know anything about anything!

*Largest flying boat ever*

In 1934 the Soviet Union decided to enter the global-travel world with the mighty Ilyushin-95. With a wingspan of 520 feet and weighing in at almost two hundred tons, this behemoth of the skies was powered by no fewer than sixty-eight Vokspod-87 290-horsepower radial engines.
The first and only attempt to fly it was on June 15 1934, when it was tugged out into the Caspian Sea, filled with fuel, and the pilot and crew told not to return until they "had brought glory on the motherland."
With all engines roaring, the flying boat vanished over the horizon and into legend.
Nobody knows what became of it, but it is thought that after failing to get airborne it made landfall in Turkey, where the crew, worried about the repercussions of failure, quietly sold it for scrap.
-- The Bumper Book of Berkshire Records, 2004 edition

1. Shop Around
Prices vary among stations that sell the same brand. Find a station that sells your favorite brand cheaper. Prices between brands vary. There are only miniscule differences between brands of fuel, anyway.
2. Use Gasoline Credit Card - Some give a 5-10% rebate on purchases.
3. Buy Gasoline In Morning
Try to fill up in the early morning when the ground is still cold. Gas stations have their storage tanks buried. The colder the ground, the denser the gasoline, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening means your gallon is not exactly a gallon. In the petroleum business, specific gravity and temperature of the fuel products play an important role. A 1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But gas stations don't have temperature compensation at the pumps.
4. Buy Gas From Busy Station
Busy gas stations refill their tanks often. Slower stations don’t. So, their tanks have stale contaminated gas. Older fuel is poorer on fuel economy and performance.
5. Turn Nozzle
Twist the pump nozzle 180 degrees when done. This can add up to an extra four ounces to your tank. Every little bit helps.
6. Stop Using High-Octane
High-octane gas costs more than regular and isn't actually any better. If your car isn’t pinging, use regular. You’ll save up to 20 cents per gallon.
7. Avoid Topping-Off
Fill up when your gas tank is HALF EMPTY. The more gas you have in your tank, the less air occupies its empty space. Gasoline evaporates faster than you can imagine. The pump needs time to draw out the full amount. It doesn’t get it when you top-off. You pay extra for these short bursts of fuel.
8. Avoid Stations That Just Refilled Tanks
Refilling storage tanks stirs up particles that lay at the bottom. If these particles get into your gas tank, they cut the fuel efficiency of your car. If there's a truck pumping into the tanks when you stop to buy gas, DO NOT fill up - the gasoline is stirred up as the gas is being delivered, and you'll pick up dirt that settles on the bottom.
9. Pump Own Gas
Use self-serve rather than full-serve. Full-serve costs more.
10. Pump On Low
When you fill up, don't squeeze the trigger to a fast mode. You'll see the trigger has three stages: low, middle, and high. In slow, you pump on low speed, minimizing the vapors created while you are pumping. All gas hoses have a vapor return. If you pump on "fast", some liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor. Those vapors get sucked up back into the storage tank, so you get less for your money.
11. Tighten The Cap
Twist the cap until you hear it click. This prevents gas from evaporating and escaping.

We are often asked how people can contribute to establishing normal lives for people here in Iraq - a cause making great progress. Our unit is working with local schools. We'd be delighted to accept donations for the children. For example, soccer balls (or other athletic equipment), book bags, stickers, yoyos, paddle balls, jump ropes, toy cars, balloons, dolls, arts&crafts stuff, board games... You get the idea. We can always make good use of school supplies, of course: notebooks, pencils, pens, crayons, book covers...
All donations MUST be unused.
Please do NOT send anything of a religious theme, or with pigs or dogs on it - those would only offend people.
Our APO address:
1st Mech BDE Tm
Camp Taji, Iraq
APO AE 09378